Just Listen…

Don’t share your own experiences!!

Did I mean that? Yes. Yes, I did!

For most of my life, I made a huge mistake. I genuinely believed that when someone opened up about their pain, their struggles, or their frustrations, they wanted to know that you truly understood. I thought they needed to hear that you felt it too; that you knew exactly what they were going through.

I thought they wanted reassurance that they weren’t alone in their experience.

I also thought the best way to show this was by sharing my own similar experiences. If I could offer a personal story that mirrored what they were feeling, I thought it would validate their emotions. I believed that saying, “I understand,” while adding my own experience, showed a deeper level of connection and authenticity. I thought it was a way to demonstrate kinship, a bond forged through shared pain. After all, people who "don’t know what it’s like" couldn’t truly appreciate the depth of their struggle, right?

Oh, how wrong I was!

I’ve recently come across a number of social media posts from people sharing something that completely shocked me; something I wish I had known sooner. It turns out that, far from helping, sharing my own similar experiences often made things worse. When I shared my story alongside theirs, it wasn’t comforting. It didn’t make them feel less alone. Instead, it made them feel like their suffering was being minimised. Like I was trying to shift the focus to myself.

The truth is, when someone is in pain, they don’t need your personal experiences to validate their own. They don’t need to hear that you know what it’s like. What they need is a safe space to vent, to express what they’re going through without any expectation of reciprocation. They just need to be heard.

So, if someone comes to you with a problem or a weight they can’t seem to shake, resist the urge to jump in with your own story. Don’t make it about you, even if you didn’t intend to do that. Instead, offer them your full attention and your empathy. Let them talk for as long as they need to. The best thing you can do is listen, without trying to fix it or relate it back to yourself.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but I’m glad I finally see it now. The most meaningful way to show support is simply to listen.